just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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