Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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