hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
