i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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