If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
