an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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