My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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