yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
