This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
