He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
