i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Randomize
