He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
