watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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