After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize