I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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