Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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