i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
