I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
