i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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