In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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