i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
