I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
This is my gift to your gina
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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