How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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