Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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