I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
