he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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