i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
