is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
