it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
