Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
