4 words: hood of his car
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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