Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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