How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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