I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
