next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
