I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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