Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
