I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
