i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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