Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize