i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
