i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
