he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
