Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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