Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm passing your future prison.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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