I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize