you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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