I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Congratulations! We have a period
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
