The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
