just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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