In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
third nipple confirmed
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
