So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
