How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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