I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
