Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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