It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
