Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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